Funny Status Updates for Facebook

• Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I'll keep you all posted.
• Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that's not it. Keep thinking! We'll figure this out.
• Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
• A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
• That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead
• Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.
• Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
• Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.